Spoke Magazine

Helmets and Condoms

Posted by pieter on Monday April 7 2014

Helmets and Condoms

Isn’t life just grand and peculiar? The way that two very different things can seemingly have nothing in common but on closer examination have more in common than expected. In the case of helmets and condoms it would be easy to say that they have very little in common except that they both can be used for protection. You could say one protects your head while the other protects your helmet.  However they do have another thing in common, and our lead character Timmy Two Times found this out in the most deathly of ways.

They call him Timmy Two Times for two reasons, firstly because he has this impeccable ability to throw down two downhill race runs that are, to the second, exactly the same. It’s a pretty handy talent on a Super D course, and he generally wins. The second and not so glamorous reason, is he feels the need to use a condom twice. No one really knows why he does it, or more to the point no one wants to know why he does such a disgusting thing. Most people just put it down to the fact he is a downhiller.

Now we could go into great detail how Timmy Two Times pulls all the ladies on a Saturday night and how his mates get jealous of his girl-pulling prowess. Or we could go into great detail on how he manages to carefully slide a used condom off his… ummm helmet, then wash and clean it and package it away neatly into his wallet, but the whole thing is gross and no one really needs to know. Instead let’s skip ahead eight months where Timmy Two Times is in the hospital with the worst case of knob-rot known to man, (they think it may have come out of the darkest depths of Africa) and Timmy Two Times is on his near death bed.

Before Timmy Two Times even sees the doctor walk into the room, the doctor recognises him straight away from the local Super D race. Timmy Two Times had of course thrown down two identical race runs, beaten the field quite convincingly and what made it more spectacular was his second run was in the wet. The doctor and Timmy Two Times talk bikes and racing for a while and this makes the mood in the room less sombre. Then the doctor starts to talk about the rot that is on the end of his knob and how it’s probably going to end his life or at best make his knob fall off. At some stage near the end of the conversion the doctor asks “Why didn’t you wear a condom?” “I always do” replies Timmy Two Times, “and I always clean them very well.” This of course got the doctor asking more questions about why Timmy Two Times was cleaning a used condom.

After a little questioning and some confused looks (mainly by the doctor), the doctor finally says “this is probably the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  Reusing a condom is about as dumb as reusing a helmet after you crashed on it. Helmets and condoms are a one-time deal, once you have used it you have to throw it out and get a new one. Once a helmet or condom has a crack it can’t protect you anymore and you risk injury, that’s the whole point of wearing them. And on another note, if you haven’t used your helmet or condom for its intended purpose and it is getting a little old you should replace it. It’s amazing how people will buy really expensive shoes and use an old helmet. How much value do they put on their head? You only get one. Oh yeah and condoms can be free from your local doctor.” The doctor rants on for a while longer and leaves. Timmy Two Times is left with his thoughts and decides if he survives this he will never reuse a condom again, and will always buy new a helmet whenever he crashes on it.

 

Categories: Exclusives

  • Don

    Pahaha did not see that coming!